Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
