Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
