Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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