I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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