My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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