Plan B is the new Plan A
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
