you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
So squirting runs in the family.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
