it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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