i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
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