Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
