From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
