Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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