My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
