North Korea, Best Korea!
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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