Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Randomize
