You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize