Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
