FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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