I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
