dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
