I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Text me some of your sweat
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
