My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
