In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
We had to coat check the pizza.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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