I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize