Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
