I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
