Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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