Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
