if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
