i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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