i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
