i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
