I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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