My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
