Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
