Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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