He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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