If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
