I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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