dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
