i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
