I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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