she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
