Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
