So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
