I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
