I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
