I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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