matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
