I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Please, let me fuck your mom
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
accomplished twins. life is a go
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
