apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
