wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
