im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
