Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
