I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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