my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Alive.
So much puke
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
