Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I just googled if crying burns calories
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
