Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
