Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
